Healing from Messed up emotions
Before I was born, my mom went through a controversy in college that left her in a deeply troubled emotional state. Shortly thereafter she had me. As a small child, her care for me was significantly affected by this. It led to an emotional struggle that ultimately impacted every relationship I had. Deep down I only felt safe when I kept a safe distance from people. The distance served as a protection but also was a blind spot that I was unable to attend to.
This struggle to connect with others affected my extended family, friends, church members, children, and my marriage. Sure, I was not without some rewarding experiences and relationships, but it took a long time to realize how emotionally stunted I really was.
Whenever there was any relational closeness I would soothe the resulting emotional dysregulation by pulling away. But then I would feel lonely and long for connection. So I’d make some attempt to engage. This cycle would repeat again and again. It made closeness in relationships difficult, whether romantic or not. It stunted many ministry opportunities, and I suspect led some to feel that I was difficult to get to know. In fact, I came to accept that and learned to enjoy solitary activities.
Books were safe. I consumed books by the droves. I could feel close to the authors without ever having to actually talk to them. Scripture was safe. God was safe. He was my refuge and my strength (Psalm 46:1) and was extremely gentle with my brokenhearted state.
The first two years of medical school were all about books and knowledge. That was safe and I absolutely loved it. Sitting in the deep recesses of the medical library pouring over some medical question felt like a dream I wished would never end. I could experience the joy of making an effort to help those in need without being exposed to any vulnerable, scary moments.
But then came the hard part, the last two years of med school — the clinical years. I had to sit and talk to patients. I remember many times feeling extreme emotional distress and discomfort right before I went into an exam room, or when I met with an attending physician, or medical team. I remember looking at my hand one time as I had raised it to the door forming a fist to knock. I paused. My hand was shaking from fear. Since I was deeply committed to becoming a physician, I would force myself across the discomfort to meet with the patient. God had shown me that He wanted me to be in medical school through a series of providential workings. He had got me there. I didn’t want to let Him down.
The healing all started when we were invited by a family member to join an emotional leadership counseling class. Though it felt scary, my wife and I signed up together. We went through many challenging group exercises. During one in particular they urged us to reflect on painful past moments and to explore whether those painful moments were still impacting us and how they affected our ability to be a leader. That exercise was when the flood gates began to open up for me. As I began to share early life stories, I realized that there was a part of me that was deeply wounded. I began to take this broken part of my brain to God. I shared the stories with safe people who would hear me, and respond with kindness, curiosity and compassion.
Shortly thereafter I went into one-on-one personal counseling with a Christian counselor while grieving a loss. That’s when I discovered my attachment struggle and finally began to learn the terms and language I needed to explain my experience.
Emotional insights
Attachment styles have to do with how safe we feel when we connect with one another and how easily we feel disconnection. Attachment styles are a critical component of our emotional foundations and play a major role in how we handle our emotions as adults. They are all about the bonding that we have in our close ongoing relationships. The way our attachment forms with our primary caregivers (ie. parents) as children creates the foundation for how we will emotionally regulate with ourselves and toward others, as adults (1).
While more study is needed, researchers have estimated that more than 40% of American kids now have an insecure attachment style (2). Researchers have labeled various types of attachment styles, not to be confused with the less common and more serious attachment disorders, such as reactive attachment disorder (3). Categories of attachment styles include secure, avoidant, anxious or ambivalent, fearful-avoidant (aka disorganized), and controlling. Experts say that the fearful-avoidant attachment style is the fastest growing. Early life bonding, offense that occurred, personalities all play a role in our current attachments. They also affect relational aspects such as warmth, love and kindness, empathy, conflict resolution, flexibility, and so on that are key to successful ministry leadership (4).
Resources are available to learn more (5,6) and I won’t elaborate further except to speak about my own insecure attachment style.
I learned recently that for much of my life I experienced what is described as the fearful- avoidant (aka disorganized) attachment style. It is characterized by an excessive need for closeness, while at the same time having a fear of closeness and a tendency to push others away. There is an excessive fear of rejection. Those with it manifest unpredictable patterns of behavior in relationships. Poor self-worth, as well as thoughts of being unlovable or unworthy are common. There are difficulties in opening up, trusting in, and bonding with others. Deep down one may expect partners to reject them, experience feelings of self-blame and shame, and display a poor sense of self-agency. This can result in difficulties making decisions and feelings of helplessness.
Healing to Become Efficient Medical Ministers
Our emotions are integral to successful medical ministry. If we want to truly love one another and love our patients we must have insight into our emotions, the good and the bad. In fact, some have documented that emotional health (eg. EQ) is a greater predictor of work-life success than IQ (7).
The Bible tells us that God “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
And that He is “close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).
Jesus is very patient. His healing is deep and thorough, if we will give Him a chance and come to Him in humility.
After His resurrection, Christ ascended to heaven, and He is today presenting our needs to the Father. “I have graven thee upon the palms of My hands,” He says. Isaiah 49:16. It cost something to engrave them there. It cost untold agony. If we would humble ourselves before God, and be kind and courteous and tenderhearted and pitiful, there would be one hundred conversions to the truth where now there is only one. But, though professing to be converted, we carry around with us a bundle of self that we regard as altogether too precious to be given up. It is our privilege to lay this burden at the feet of Christ and in its place take the character and similitude of Christ. The Saviour is waiting for us to do this. (8)
This “bundle of self” includes our attachment wounds. These wounds impede our ability to connect with hurting souls, and keep us from winning them to Jesus. If you sense that your attachment style has limited your ministry, I encourage you to explore the roots and let Jesus gently bring forward those hurting parts in you. He is able to heal them. He is able to take the shame, pain, and fear and replace them with love, grace, and joy.
I believe God worked for a long time to heal this area, but I dragged my feet. I delayed because I was afraid of the pain and fear I’d feel. I also didn’t know how to attend to this part of me or even at first that there was a wound. I needed to share the true state of my heart, even the wounded parts. Fear had protected me from opening up those scary places but I needed to open them up to allow God’s healing love access.
References
1. The Attachment Project. (2020, July 2). Attachment styles and their role in adult relationships. Retrieved March 9, 2022, from https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four- attachment-styles/
2. Ocklenburg, Sebastian. How Many Children Are Securely Attached to Their Parents? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-asymmetric-brain/202306/ how-many-children-are-securely-attached-to-their-parents
3. Zeanah CH, Gleason MM. Annual research review: Attachment disorders in early childhood– clinical presentation, causes, correlates, and treatment. J Child Psychol Psychiatry. 2015 Mar;56(3):207-22. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4342270/
4. de Sanctis F, Mesurado B. Attachment Style and Empathy in Late children, Adolescents, and Adults: Meta-analytic Review. Int J Psychol Res (Medellin). 2023 Mar 5;15(2):114-129.
5. Sutton, Jeremy. Attachment Styles in Therapy: 6 Worksheets & Handouts. Dec 6, 2024. https://positivepsychology.com/attachment-style-worksheets/
6. Brito, Janet. Attachment Style Quiz. https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/attachment-style-quiz 7. Safer, Diane. IQ vs EQ for Career Success. Eye on Psi Chi. Fall 2023 28(1) https://doi.org/10.24839/2164-9812.Eye28.1.12\
8. White, Ellen G. Testimonies for the Church, vol. 9 (Mountain View, CA: Pacific Press Pub. Assn., 1909), p189.
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